I've finally once again picked up my basketball. I went to a nearby court to shoot some hoops but it seems like i've really lost my touch. I totally couldn't summon any energy to release the ball. Probably i've stayed home for too long. Maybe im still being weighed down by the memories. I dont deny that during that short while a lot of the good times flash in my mind. It just made me feel worst. I want to go back, but there is no place for an outsider like me. Its my home, but i dont belong.
This is the season where lust is being contained. Many of my buddies are sent to this offshore island for a 'holiday'. Lets also not forget the free haircut! Yup, its NS. It just further enhances my loneliness. There goes Tim and Zhide. Probably many more that i dont know, but i've just almost lost all my company. No more playing on the escalator.
I've just heard too. My room mate (yup, the one from my first few post) is leaving. He has to go back for CNY. Im not particularly upset or anything, but its another person leaving.
Boo~ This really sux. I really hope i could return home soon. From what it seems, theres still hope. I've truely learnt from this blunder. This is a sin i've to carry.
Random: Cheeky Brat! (it really brings back memories..)
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Friday, February 5, 2010
Day 2 of Emo
Time is really a deep concept. 24 hours a day seems so short sometimes, but it feels so dreadfully long now. Its odd because this same 24 hours that we all share, we have different feelings about it. I could still clearly remember how my eight hours at AMK playing bball flew past by so quickly, and now time just seem to snail at ticking speed. Im sure time is still flying there. Its no longer 24 hours for me - its 86400 seconds.
Its just started raining now. Seems like nature is telling me i can't play ball anyway. I guess she doesnt understand that its not the ball, its the company.
Well, im actually feeling much much better now. Yuqi was willing to lend me a ear to listen to my sobs and rants. I need to speak my thoughts to formulate them. He really helped this process. I guess the crux of my down-ness is this:
"He trusted me more than anyone. I betrayed that trust."
Well, it may not be this way, but thats how i felt. I can somewhat understand how he is feeling. I really did let him down. But im sure im feeling worst. Its just like you're riding a bicycle and your prank on your pal cost his limbs or his life. Your buddy or his family will be in deep grieve, but you'll be in deep guilt. Im in deep grieve and guilt, and the worst part is i can't make up for it. I am willing to do whatever it takes, but is he willing to accept? I've lost my creditability.
Its really interesting, because time can heal the wounds. Now thats left to do is to wait for time to do its job, but the scar i left on him, on me, and on the relationship - it would never heal. Its really a regret that it'll be impossible to obtain that level of trust. I've failed in life once again.
Yuqi asked what i would do to sustain a relationship once im no longer of use to that person, since my relationship is built upon helping others. I guess i'll be useless soon, but you'll still be my friend right? It'll be sustain through that - the Will.
Random: I want to go home ):
Its just started raining now. Seems like nature is telling me i can't play ball anyway. I guess she doesnt understand that its not the ball, its the company.
Well, im actually feeling much much better now. Yuqi was willing to lend me a ear to listen to my sobs and rants. I need to speak my thoughts to formulate them. He really helped this process. I guess the crux of my down-ness is this:
"He trusted me more than anyone. I betrayed that trust."
Well, it may not be this way, but thats how i felt. I can somewhat understand how he is feeling. I really did let him down. But im sure im feeling worst. Its just like you're riding a bicycle and your prank on your pal cost his limbs or his life. Your buddy or his family will be in deep grieve, but you'll be in deep guilt. Im in deep grieve and guilt, and the worst part is i can't make up for it. I am willing to do whatever it takes, but is he willing to accept? I've lost my creditability.
Its really interesting, because time can heal the wounds. Now thats left to do is to wait for time to do its job, but the scar i left on him, on me, and on the relationship - it would never heal. Its really a regret that it'll be impossible to obtain that level of trust. I've failed in life once again.
Yuqi asked what i would do to sustain a relationship once im no longer of use to that person, since my relationship is built upon helping others. I guess i'll be useless soon, but you'll still be my friend right? It'll be sustain through that - the Will.
Random: I want to go home ):
Thursday, February 4, 2010
My Happily Ever After..
My chapter of basketball at AMK has just closed.
It really was a pity, but i can't go back now. I did something wrong.
It doesnt happen often to me that i could clearly identify i am wrong. I could this time. Im wrong.
At AMK, i had good times. I was bestowed with the trust of some of the people there and I got particularly close to one of them - Jovan.
Jovan was a brother to me. Not that he took care of me, but it just feels like i could give him everything i ever wanted. Its the satisfaction i get. But i went overboard.
I was concerned and worried about his studies. Jovan is a bright boy, he just lacks motivation as he puts it. When i saw his source of motivation, I immediately jumped into it. It was his teacher in school, and i contacted her.
My intention was good. I thought maybe i could amplify this motivation. I needed someone to confirm my actions too. She was the best candidate, since she, too, cares about Jovan. But i guess i crossed the line..
Jovan now is upset. I've betrayed his trust. He trusted me with loads of stuff, but my actions didnt deserve it. I went too deep into his private life. Now he is uncomfortable. I am wrong.
Now its too late. I could never make up for such a mistake. All relationship requires trust, and breaching of trust is the WORST fault one can commit. I did. All i could do now is to wait, to wait for maybe, he'll forgive and forget. Maybe.
I am truly, deeply in fault. Im sorry Jovan. My intentions may be good, but my methods was wrong. I am wrong.
I guess this is where i emo for a few days over my fault and lost of friends, then move off with another new chapter.
Alright, here i would like to thank the bunch of AMK people for entertaining me for the past month. I really had fun. Thanks for looking after me and teaching me play ball. Thanks especially Andy (daddy). I've learnt a lot from you, not only about ball but also about life. You're capable of alot more. I have faith in you. Also, thank you Jovan. Im sorry.
RaNdOm: Soft Soft one, like gummy bears..
It really was a pity, but i can't go back now. I did something wrong.
It doesnt happen often to me that i could clearly identify i am wrong. I could this time. Im wrong.
At AMK, i had good times. I was bestowed with the trust of some of the people there and I got particularly close to one of them - Jovan.
Jovan was a brother to me. Not that he took care of me, but it just feels like i could give him everything i ever wanted. Its the satisfaction i get. But i went overboard.
I was concerned and worried about his studies. Jovan is a bright boy, he just lacks motivation as he puts it. When i saw his source of motivation, I immediately jumped into it. It was his teacher in school, and i contacted her.
My intention was good. I thought maybe i could amplify this motivation. I needed someone to confirm my actions too. She was the best candidate, since she, too, cares about Jovan. But i guess i crossed the line..
Jovan now is upset. I've betrayed his trust. He trusted me with loads of stuff, but my actions didnt deserve it. I went too deep into his private life. Now he is uncomfortable. I am wrong.
Now its too late. I could never make up for such a mistake. All relationship requires trust, and breaching of trust is the WORST fault one can commit. I did. All i could do now is to wait, to wait for maybe, he'll forgive and forget. Maybe.
I am truly, deeply in fault. Im sorry Jovan. My intentions may be good, but my methods was wrong. I am wrong.
I guess this is where i emo for a few days over my fault and lost of friends, then move off with another new chapter.
Alright, here i would like to thank the bunch of AMK people for entertaining me for the past month. I really had fun. Thanks for looking after me and teaching me play ball. Thanks especially Andy (daddy). I've learnt a lot from you, not only about ball but also about life. You're capable of alot more. I have faith in you. Also, thank you Jovan. Im sorry.
RaNdOm: Soft Soft one, like gummy bears..
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
My Life, Your Life.
Many people keep telling me that how great it is that i dont have to go to school anymore. I've got 2 more months till i enter NS and i can enjoy myself, chase my dream, do what want. You're wrong.
I dont deny i did once thought about this about my seniors. I was wrong too. Its weird that once school life ends, you enter a rift that teleports you to reality. Everyone is realistic once you leave school, no longer idealistic. All the "I want to be a doctor to save lives" and the "I want to be a teacher to change lives" becomes "I want to be a banker to earn money and have a good life".
When I was in school, it was simple. All i had to worry about was my studies. I've got sufficient money for everything i need - movie, books, food, transport - everything. There isnt even any 'punishment' for not doing well in studies. All i had to handle was school stress. I may have to wake up earlier and sleep late, but you spend more time with people that aint selfish. You're in a protected environment. You're sleeping, and/or learning. It is easy life.
When i left school, things isnt as simple anymore. Reality hits me, and it hits me hard. I no longer get allowance. I have to support myself. All the responsibilities comes at you. Suddenly its expensive to travel, because you're no longer a student. Suddenly food becomes expensive, because theres no longer lousy but cheap canteen food. Suddenly, you've got no free time, because you've got to work. Suddenly your free time is boring, because if you're lucky that reality sets in later for you, your friends arent usually that lucky. Suddenly you can't commit to anything, because you're afraid you'll need to work. Suddenly, your ideals disappear. Suddenly you become realistic. Suddenly, you lose yourself. Suddenly, you become human.
It is saddening for me, not because reality sets in on me. Its because it has taken over most of my friends. You see them come, change, go. Its sad, because you see that people all have to go through this. Its sad that im the only few that still stand firm to what i belive, something that was once shared, now mine alone.
So school sux? Let me tell you. Life sux. More than school.
RanDom: Life is like a dick, if its hard, F*** IT!
I dont deny i did once thought about this about my seniors. I was wrong too. Its weird that once school life ends, you enter a rift that teleports you to reality. Everyone is realistic once you leave school, no longer idealistic. All the "I want to be a doctor to save lives" and the "I want to be a teacher to change lives" becomes "I want to be a banker to earn money and have a good life".
When I was in school, it was simple. All i had to worry about was my studies. I've got sufficient money for everything i need - movie, books, food, transport - everything. There isnt even any 'punishment' for not doing well in studies. All i had to handle was school stress. I may have to wake up earlier and sleep late, but you spend more time with people that aint selfish. You're in a protected environment. You're sleeping, and/or learning. It is easy life.
When i left school, things isnt as simple anymore. Reality hits me, and it hits me hard. I no longer get allowance. I have to support myself. All the responsibilities comes at you. Suddenly its expensive to travel, because you're no longer a student. Suddenly food becomes expensive, because theres no longer lousy but cheap canteen food. Suddenly, you've got no free time, because you've got to work. Suddenly your free time is boring, because if you're lucky that reality sets in later for you, your friends arent usually that lucky. Suddenly you can't commit to anything, because you're afraid you'll need to work. Suddenly, your ideals disappear. Suddenly you become realistic. Suddenly, you lose yourself. Suddenly, you become human.
It is saddening for me, not because reality sets in on me. Its because it has taken over most of my friends. You see them come, change, go. Its sad, because you see that people all have to go through this. Its sad that im the only few that still stand firm to what i belive, something that was once shared, now mine alone.
So school sux? Let me tell you. Life sux. More than school.
RanDom: Life is like a dick, if its hard, F*** IT!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Living life
Its really sad, my life is boring. Without ball, im doing nothing.
This song describe most of our lives. Im going to live out of it.
This song describe most of our lives. Im going to live out of it.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Starfish
Once upon a time, at a particular beach, millions and billions of starfishes was washed to shore for this story to be told.
Pichu was walking along this beach when he saw Pikachu picking up a starfish and throwing it back into the sea.
Pichu was puzzled and he asked "Why are you throwing the starfishes back to the sea?"
"Im saving them. They cant live out of the ocean." replied Pikachu.
"But there are so many of them. Look!" Pichu pointed out to Pikachu.
Pikachu used his tail and tail whipped another starfish followed by using iron tail to toss the starfish back into the sea.
"At least i saved that one"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This story may be almost cliche, but its still one of the more meaningful stories i've heard. People often think they are too small for things. They feel that they cant cause changes. Its not everyone that can change the world, but you can change the things you want to change. People think they cant do certain things (Eg. Dunking). It is when this thought is formulated that your hopes and dreams are dashed.
Im happy, cause i caused a change to happen. My friend is finally willing to learn driving. Went with him to book his basic theory today. I also overheard that he was quitting smoking. Trying to. Im sure he'd have done all these sooner or later, but i probably made it sooner with the persistent bugging and pestering.
Im now trying to help my didi. Its a different life route im trying to lead him to. I can only try to lead, but i can't force him to it. It is his choice after all. Hopefully i succeed.
I may be small and not have much power, but im sure simple words - of encouragement, care, concern - and simple actions - consistent pointing out, spending time, giving love - can change lives.
Do not ask a businessman for a job, ask how to be a boss.
Do not ask a fisherman for a fish, ask him how to fish.
Do not wait for a change, cause a change.
Do not think the sky is the limit, for you'll only reach the sky.
Think no limit, and there won't be one.
Think big. We all can do great stuff. It starts with a thought.
"At least i saved that one" - Pikachu
Random: Charlieee~ Candiee Mounttainn Charlieee~ Wheee~
Pichu was walking along this beach when he saw Pikachu picking up a starfish and throwing it back into the sea.
Pichu was puzzled and he asked "Why are you throwing the starfishes back to the sea?"
"Im saving them. They cant live out of the ocean." replied Pikachu.
"But there are so many of them. Look!" Pichu pointed out to Pikachu.
Pikachu used his tail and tail whipped another starfish followed by using iron tail to toss the starfish back into the sea.
"At least i saved that one"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This story may be almost cliche, but its still one of the more meaningful stories i've heard. People often think they are too small for things. They feel that they cant cause changes. Its not everyone that can change the world, but you can change the things you want to change. People think they cant do certain things (Eg. Dunking). It is when this thought is formulated that your hopes and dreams are dashed.
Im happy, cause i caused a change to happen. My friend is finally willing to learn driving. Went with him to book his basic theory today. I also overheard that he was quitting smoking. Trying to. Im sure he'd have done all these sooner or later, but i probably made it sooner with the persistent bugging and pestering.
Im now trying to help my didi. Its a different life route im trying to lead him to. I can only try to lead, but i can't force him to it. It is his choice after all. Hopefully i succeed.
I may be small and not have much power, but im sure simple words - of encouragement, care, concern - and simple actions - consistent pointing out, spending time, giving love - can change lives.
Do not ask a businessman for a job, ask how to be a boss.
Do not ask a fisherman for a fish, ask him how to fish.
Do not wait for a change, cause a change.
Do not think the sky is the limit, for you'll only reach the sky.
Think no limit, and there won't be one.
Think big. We all can do great stuff. It starts with a thought.
"At least i saved that one" - Pikachu
Random: Charlieee~ Candiee Mounttainn Charlieee~ Wheee~
Butterfly Effect
If you're wondering what the title of this post is, its part of chaos theory.
It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world.
- Chaos Theory
I was thinking, if you saved your friend from a bear, you'd be a hero. What about the bear? You may have killed the bear and its family. That is indirect killing. It just makes me feel there isnt any action that is totally perfectly right. It saddens me ):
If you still can't feel it, im emo when im writing this post. Well, Andy asked me about 2 jobs that he was offered - Low prospect but loads of free time or higher prospect but much less free time. Its a trade off between time and prospect. Logically, i'd tell him to go for the later since he doesnt have much other commitments either. It'll be the best choice in the long term.
BUT
I couldnt say that with ease. My emotions starts stirring up. Andy is like the guardian of AMK 548 basketball court. You can say he is somewhat the pillar of it. He has a bunch of loyal followers (me included) who'd come down and play regularly because of him and everyone else. He is the corner stone, center piece, the key.
If he resign as guardian, less people would play ball, maybe none. It hurts, cause im having such a good time with the peeps.
I start to think, is my fire for basketball or for friends. I'd say its fire for basketball that brought me down initially, but now? I'd still play alone, but it'll be different. It wouldnt be the same. It isnt the same.
Well, i guess im selfish. I cant let go. Its always like that. I know that people come and people go, but why cant people stay? I want to stay for everyone but what is the point when people keep going? You cant go with them cause we'll all go in a different direction. I just cant let go. We should be contented that at least our lives cross path. I'd rather we move off together.
Human interaction is tough. I cant understand myself.
RaNdOm: Munich Putsch ):
It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world.
- Chaos Theory
I was thinking, if you saved your friend from a bear, you'd be a hero. What about the bear? You may have killed the bear and its family. That is indirect killing. It just makes me feel there isnt any action that is totally perfectly right. It saddens me ):
If you still can't feel it, im emo when im writing this post. Well, Andy asked me about 2 jobs that he was offered - Low prospect but loads of free time or higher prospect but much less free time. Its a trade off between time and prospect. Logically, i'd tell him to go for the later since he doesnt have much other commitments either. It'll be the best choice in the long term.
BUT
I couldnt say that with ease. My emotions starts stirring up. Andy is like the guardian of AMK 548 basketball court. You can say he is somewhat the pillar of it. He has a bunch of loyal followers (me included) who'd come down and play regularly because of him and everyone else. He is the corner stone, center piece, the key.
If he resign as guardian, less people would play ball, maybe none. It hurts, cause im having such a good time with the peeps.
I start to think, is my fire for basketball or for friends. I'd say its fire for basketball that brought me down initially, but now? I'd still play alone, but it'll be different. It wouldnt be the same. It isnt the same.
Well, i guess im selfish. I cant let go. Its always like that. I know that people come and people go, but why cant people stay? I want to stay for everyone but what is the point when people keep going? You cant go with them cause we'll all go in a different direction. I just cant let go. We should be contented that at least our lives cross path. I'd rather we move off together.
Human interaction is tough. I cant understand myself.
RaNdOm: Munich Putsch ):
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